I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
New mindset, who dis?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
New menu item
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it