Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.