Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE