A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
live long and prosper!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN