John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
You Might Also Like
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls