Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.