One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.