Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.