My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
They got a point!
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
This meal prepping shit easy
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe