The three genders.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.