son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation