In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]