If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
You wish you had this many chins.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.