I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My kitchen overserved me.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…