My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The Onion called it…again.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.