jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.