Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.