I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.