I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed