Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.