{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.