Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
A Short Story.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.