*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night