“what’s it like having a sister?”
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.