My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You Might Also Like
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat