Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go