The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple