I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
The Onion called it…again.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.