If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I know
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Hello Twits.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?