I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Tuesday