I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.