It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
You Might Also Like
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son