Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…