DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot