grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective