#polloftheday
You Might Also Like
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…