Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Batman v Dracula
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?