Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.