Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
When I laugh on my period
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.