Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Posting this on behalf of a friend
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.