I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Sing it!
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?