My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
…u ok Nintendo?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak