christening a ship with an overripe banana
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
There’s always that one guy
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim