COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.