[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Sponch
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
We found love in a hopeless place.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
That lamp looks PISSED.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention