Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.