Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again