1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
You Might Also Like
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Your secret is safeish with me
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
May never get over this