We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
You Might Also Like
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*puts cutlery down*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
pls suprot
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax