Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
is it earth
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.